The Pot and The Kettle

So our dear Kettle turned 29 this week. Don't get excited. I was relatively underwhelmed myself, not to mention the early stages of the flu were upon me. But I am 29, less than a year til I am 30. So I guess it is now or never, right? Wasn't that the theme for my year once I turned 27?

Things I hope to do this year (Let's not call these goals. Instead, let's think of them as pipedreams.):

10. Get rid of my gas-guzzling, yet jockish, pick-up truck.
9. Pay off my Macy*s bill.
8. Read The House of Sand and Fog or A Confederacy of Dunces. Ideally both. The two have alternated as the book I will read next for about 5 years now.
7. Go away for Spring Break.
6. Hang some things on my walls and get the plates over my electrical outlets and light switches.
5. Have a magical Christmas.
4. Do something with the brilliant play I wrote. Nothing extreme. But something.
3. Think more positively. (Whoa, who wrote that?)
2. Join a club? Maybe start a hobby?
1. Learn to sleep.

Did I miss anything?

Jim McGreevey's big day is tomorrow . . . his little-anticipated book, The Confession, hits stores and his appearance on Oprah airs. But even with all the publicity over the last few weeks, from bloggers, to newspapers, to magazines, and his scheduled appearance on the Today Show and The View over the next few days, we're not so sure the book is going to climb to the top of the best sellers list.

We may be wrong. Maybe a lot of middle-aged middle-American housewives will be desparate to read about Jim's sex dates while his wife (a/k/a his beard) was in the hospital having just given birth to their love child. Or maybe they'll prefer to buy the audio version of the book, and listen to McGreevey tell of his closeted trysts in his own sexy voice.

In any event, the Kettle and me are still waiting for McG to hang with us poolside at Paradise. Jim, call us, ok?

If you aren't living under a rock, I am sure you have heard of the new Survivor gimmick: racial divisions of the castaways. Yawn.... Or so I thought! When I got the rundown from Mrs. O. the next day, I began to see that this might be fodder for some excellent jokes. For example, when the African-American tribe was building their shelters, they were going on how this would be the ghetto side of the island. Ha! And even better, apparently their is an Asian man, who loves making Asian jokes and said to his fellow Asians, "Hey, I bet we are happy we have all this rice!"

Apparently, a secretary at school summed up the final challenge as thus: "They had to solve puzzles for the final challenge, and the Asians won. Puzzles and Asians. That makes sense. And the blacks lost. I am not saying anything, but I'm just saying..."

Still, CBS is pulling this stunt b/c they are scared. NBC unleashes a very anticipated premiere night of My Name is Earl (JOY!) and The Office (PAM!) this week. Not to mention, the highly buzzed Ugly Betty.

America, stop watching Reality TV, please.

In honor of what would have been Roald Dahl's 90th Birthday, England is celebrating Roald Dahl Day today! As you know, Roald Dahl is the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, and a slew of wonderful and creepy short stories. I recommend the one about the old woman who kills her husband with a leg of frozen lamb, "Lamb to the Slaughter" and also the one about the woman who jumps off a cruise ship, and waves to some man on the deck while she does, and the man can't really function after that. The name escapes me. I also can't find my copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the book, because in case you haven't heard, my bookshelf is slowly collapsing. The only precaution I have taken is to clear off some of the shelves. So because I can't find the book, I will give you my favorite quotes from the movie. The original of course.

10. Wonka: A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men.
9. Veruca: You're always making things difficult!
8. Wonka: All questions must be asked in the form of writing.
7. Mr. Beauregarde: Just look what happened to that August kid
6. Mr. Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet, Violet.
5. Mr. Salt:What is this? Some kind of funhouse?
Willy: Why? Are you having fun?
4. Mike TV: Dad says I can't have a real gun til I'm older. Right, pop?
Mr. TV: Not til you're 12, son.
3. Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
2. Veruca: Snozberries? Who ever heard of a snozberry!!?!?
1. Mrs. TV: Where did they come from?
Wonka: Loompaland
Mrs. TV: There's no such place!
Wonka: Sure, there is!
Mrs. TV: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography...
Wonka: Then you know all about it.

Calm down, Mary, its just a bug.



[Kenneth]